The reality is that I have to rely on the compassion of others to be incredibly understanding in order just to sit next to him, attempt to engage him, and make him feel included.
My son is very smart and has a great sense of humor. Every adult that meets him is drawn to him. However, because he needs the input, he will spontaneously flap his arms and make loud, guttural sounds from time to time. It draws a lot of attention in public. If you’re not used to it, it’s normal to feel embarrassed, as you will have all the eyes in the room upon you. He will ask the same question fifty times in a short period of time (His latest is “What time do you go to bed?” and “What’s your addtess?”).
I typically have to tell servers in restaurants just to give him the restaurant’s address…as once he has a satisfactory answer, he will usually move on.
Like I said, there’s no easy answer for this…at the end of the day it comes down to compassion, empathy and understanding.
But mostly empathy. Not from you guys, but from your children. As far as I know, (save for one time), Christopher’s classmates have never been overtly cruel to him. What they have done, however, on some level, is to exclude him. And frankly, I understand this. His classmates are delayed as well, but most not as much as Christopher. They are figuring out how to interact socially every day, and because Christopher cannot engage them in a typical way, he gets left behind…excluded, in his eyes.
Until Thursday, I didn’t know how aware he was of this divide, as he does not often talk about his peers. I should not have been surprised as he makes his wants (but not his emotional needs) very clear….but I was. Mostly, I suppose, because I had never seen him put it down on paper. But for the first time, it was staring at me in the face.
I guess I’m sharing this because when asked to list his friends he wrote “no one”. Never have five letters cut so deep, and they weren’t even directed at me….it was just an overly simplistic statement that spoke volumes.
And because I know him so well, and because I have pretty good handle on him, after raising him for eleven years, I know this disconnect makes him feel lonely, and it makes him feel sad.
Usually, I have to figure out what Christopher is trying to say, as his manner of speaking is very straightforward; very black and white.
This time I did not.
It’s clear to me that he desperately wants to be part of the group, but his challenges make it difficult for his peers to include him.
The only solution I can come up with is to share this with you and ask that you have a conversation with your kids. Please tell them that children with special needs understand far more than we give them credit for. They notice when others exclude them. They notice when they are teased behind their back (a lot of times “behind their back” is right in front of them because they think the ‘different’ child doesn’t understand). But mostly they are very much in tune when they are treated differently from everyone else.
Trust me when I tell you this hurts them. Even if it’s not obvious to you and me
.
For the first time ever, I’m going to ask for two favors, here, on Facebook.
One: Share this post on your timeline. Awareness and empathy are the only solutions I can come up with.
Two: Speak with your children. Show them the video of the Florida State Football player. The Internet is full of feel-good stories about a special needs child being included. Remember the special needs child that was put in the basketball game for the last few minutes of the final game of the season? Very recently, there was the prom king who gave his crown to a special needs classmate. These videos just might make them aware of just how awesome it is to include those who are a little bit different. And I mean this for all children. Not just those that are “diagnosed”, but for every child.
Every.
Single.
One.
These stories are newsworthy because they are unusual. We are not used to hearing about kids being kind to those that are different and unique…I would love to see us get to the point where this sort of behavior is the norm, not the newsworthy exception.
I am not so naive that I think this post is going to change the world. But, if, by sharing this, I can make you think about having a conversation with your children about empathy, about going out of their way to include those that are different from everybody else, especially if it goes against the group mentality, especially if it’s not socially popular (I’m not so old that I don’t remember that this takes bravery…bravery to break from the confines of whet your friends think is cool in the middle and high school worlds), then I will feel like Christopher’s voice has been heard.
Because even though he can’t say it, he wants to be included.
He wants a voice, that, at the moment, he doesn’t have.
And he needs help to find his voice.
And the child that will finally reach out to him, that will help him, that will include him, will be the kindest child: the child that does the right thing by going above and beyond.
And that child will be Christopher’s first true friend.
And I will be forever grateful.
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Christopher’s Dad”
(Source)
Thousands of people were touched by the emotional post. It has been shared more than 150,000 times in the last few days. Many people have reached out to Bob and Christopher with kind words and greeting cards with warm messages. Let’s keep it going.
